7 Levels of Intimacy: Where Does Your Relationship Rank?

Want a deeper connection in your relationship? Understanding the 7 Levels of Intimacy can help you grow closer step by step. These levels, based on the framework by Matthew Kelly, show how relationships progress from casual small talk to sharing your deepest needs. Here's a quick breakdown:

1. Clichés: Surface-level small talk (e.g., "How's the weather?").
2. Facts: Sharing basic, impersonal details (e.g., hobbies, daily routines).
3. Opinions: Expressing personal views and beliefs.
4. Hopes & Dreams: Discussing aspirations and life goals.
5. Feelings: Being open about emotions and experiences.
6. Faults, Fears & Failures: Revealing insecurities and past struggles.
7. Core Needs: Expressing your deepest emotional and physical needs.

Why it matters: Couples who build intimacy step by step experience stronger trust, better communication, and deeper satisfaction. Only 15% of couples reach the highest level, but the rewards are worth the effort.

Quick Tip: Start by moving beyond small talk - ask thoughtful questions, share personal stories, and actively listen.

Want to know where your relationship stands and how to grow? Let’s dive into the details.

The Seven Levels of Intimacy (in 60 seconds) - Matthew Kelly - 60 Second Wisdom

Level 1: Basic Small Talk

Small talk lays the groundwork for building connections. In fact, about one-third of our daily conversations consist of small talk, underscoring its role in human interaction.

Recognizing Level 1 Communication

Conversations at this stage usually stick to safe, neutral topics that don’t demand much emotional involvement. Here are some common features of Level 1 communication:

Topic Type	Examples	Purpose
Weather-related	Temperature, forecasts, seasons	Opening a comfortable dialogue
Entertainment	TV shows, movies, sports events	Finding shared interests
Location-based	Restaurants, traffic, local events	Building shared experiences
Professional	Work topics, industry updates	Establishing professional connections

Psychologist Dr. Laurie Helgoe highlights a drawback of small talk:

"Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people."

Understanding this limitation can help you recognize when it’s time to steer the conversation toward something more meaningful.

How to Move Beyond Small Talk

Relationship expert Matthias Mehl offers an interesting perspective:

"I think of small talk as an inactive ingredient in a medicine. The inactive ingredient is necessary to hold the pill together. Small talk does exactly that … you need to use small talk in order to get hopefully to the more substantive conversations."

To transition from surface-level chatter to deeper, more engaging conversations, try these strategies:

• Listen actively: Put away distractions and give your full attention to the person speaking.
• Ask thoughtful follow-ups: Go beyond simple nods and ask questions like, “What was that like?” or “How did that make you feel?”
• Share something personal: Opening up encourages the other person to do the same. Social psychologist Gillian Sandstrom explains:

  "Self-disclosure is a big thing that helps people feel close to each other. When you disclose to someone else, it encourages the other person to disclose with you, and that mutual, escalating self-disclosure is what leads to the sense of closeness."

Studies suggest it takes about 50 hours of interaction to consider someone a casual friend. By moving past small talk, you can speed up the process of forming genuine connections.

Level 2: Sharing Facts

Level 2 intimacy takes connections a step further by encouraging partners to share personal information that nurtures trust.

Types of Fact Sharing

At this stage, exchanging meaningful details about one another's lives becomes central. Here are some common categories of facts that partners often share:

Category	Examples	Purpose
Personal History	Education, hometown, family setup	Providing background context
Daily Life	Work routines, hobbies, habits	Understanding lifestyle and routines
Social Circle	Friends, coworkers, family ties	Mapping social connections
Preferences	Food, entertainment, activities	Discovering shared interests

Clinical psychologist Dr. Sabrina Romanoff highlights why this stage is so crucial:

"To trust means to rely on another person because you feel safe with them and have confidence that they will not hurt or violate you. Trust is the foundation of relationships because it allows you to be vulnerable and open up to the person without having to defensively protect yourself."

By sharing these types of facts, partners create a safe space for trust to grow naturally.

Building Trust Through Facts

Sharing personal details consistently can strengthen trust over time. Studies suggest that when people open up about their lives, others are more likely to trust them - even when they hold differing opinions.

Here’s how to effectively use fact-sharing to build trust:

• Be consistent: Share details regularly, but let it feel natural. This helps your partner piece together a clear picture of your life.
• Reciprocate: Balance the exchange by sharing and listening equally.
• Stay genuine: Share authentic details about yourself rather than tailoring your disclosures to what you think your partner wants to hear.
• Choose the right moments: Timing matters - share more personal facts when your partner seems open and receptive.

Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, a clinical psychologist, underscores the role of communication in this process:

"Communication is important because it fosters trust and connection. In order to have an open, honest, and vulnerable relationship with our partner, we must be able to freely communicate in a healthy manner."

To keep fact-sharing healthy and productive, focus on these key practices:

• Active listening: Give your partner your undivided attention when they share something.
• Show interest: Let them know you care by asking questions or expressing curiosity about what they’ve shared.
• Check in regularly: Create moments throughout the day for meaningful exchanges.
• Respect boundaries: Be mindful of what your partner is comfortable disclosing.

Level 3: Sharing Opinions

Level 3 intimacy revolves around sharing personal opinions and beliefs. Research highlights the importance of this connection, with intellectual intimacy playing a big role in relationship satisfaction. In fact, Geiger and Livingston found that 64% of couples attribute shared interests to their marital success. By diving deeper into each other’s perspectives, couples can better navigate differing viewpoints.

Managing Different Views

Creating a space where both partners feel safe to express themselves is key. Dr. Rebecca Hendrix, a New York-based marriage and family therapist, explains:

"It doesn't mean you're agreeing, it just means that you're looking at the other person and saying, 'You're not crazy, I get you.' If couples can learn to validate the other person, they loosen a little bit, and they don't have to be in their part of the boxing ring with their dukes up. The biggest gift we can give anybody is the gift of attention."

To foster this kind of understanding, try these communication strategies:

Communication Strategy	Purpose	Example Application
Use "I" Statements	Share feelings without assigning blame	"I feel hurt" instead of "You always ignore me"
Active Listening	Show respect and understanding	Maintain eye contact and ask clarifying questions
Validation	Recognize your partner's perspective	"I can see why you feel that way"
Time-Out Protocol	Avoid emotional escalation	Take a short break to cool off before continuing the discussion

Ariel Landrum, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, adds:

"When statements start with 'You,' this will instigate an argument, not a debate. 'I' statements help de-escalate a conversation, especially when they are connected with feelings."

Opinion-Sharing Activities

Regularly engaging in meaningful discussions can strengthen your bond. Talk about topics like politics, social issues, or your shared vision for the future. Set aside specific times to discuss current events, personal goals, or aspects of your relationship.

It’s also worth remembering that about 69% of conflicts between couples are inherently unsolvable. The aim isn’t always to reach an agreement but to understand and respect each other’s views. As Ann Patrick, B.Sc. Psych., puts it:

"All fighting happens when we don't like how WE feel, and rather than working with our own emotions, we blame our partner and then demand that they change."

Level 4: Future Goals

Once couples have mastered sharing opinions, the next step in building intimacy is aligning on future goals. Research shows that couples who share and work toward common goals experience 30% higher satisfaction levels. This process not only creates a shared vision but also respects individual dreams.

Planning Together

Collaborative planning is key to building a strong foundation for the future. Clear communication helps both partners feel included and valued. As relationship coach Jane Parker puts it:

"Shared goals serve as a unifying force in relationships, fostering collaboration and understanding."

Here are some important areas to consider when planning together:

Life Area	Discussion Points	Plan
Financial Goals	Savings, investments, debt management	Monthly budget reviews, quarterly planning
Career Growth	Professional aspirations, work-life balance	Annual career check-ins, skill development
Family Planning	Children, living arrangements, lifestyle	Bi-annual timeline reviews
Personal Development	Education, hobbies, health goals	Weekly progress checks

Author Laurel Roberts-Meese highlights the deeper impact of working toward shared goals:

"When couples work towards their goals, it enhances their emotional intimacy. It also fosters a deeper connection."

Opening Up About Dreams

After setting plans in motion, the next step is to share personal dreams. This requires vulnerability and trust, as opening up about individual aspirations can feel deeply personal. Without shared goals, relationships may face challenges.

Here’s how to strengthen your connection through dream-sharing:

• Create a Safe Space: Dedicate time free from distractions for these meaningful conversations. Shelley Lewin, The Relationship Architect, explains:

  "A relationship goal is an objective agreed upon by both partners that aligns with your life goals, wants, and needs."

• Visualize Your Future Together: Building a shared vision board can turn abstract dreams into actionable steps.
• Balance Individual and Shared Goals: Relationship expert Leah Abrusci emphasizes the importance of alignment:

  "Feeling like you're working toward the same ends is incredibly powerful for couples... It's implicit knowledge that you're moving in the same direction. This helps to move you from being romantic interests for one another to true partners."

Level 5: Emotional Sharing

As relationships deepen, emotional sharing becomes essential for creating a stronger, more enduring bond. At Level 5, partners open up about their innermost feelings. Studies reveal that couples who share a high level of emotional closeness tend to experience greater satisfaction in their relationship and face fewer conflicts.

Ways to Share Feelings

Building emotional safety begins with fostering vulnerability. Dr. Anton Shcherbakov, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, highlights the importance of this dynamic:

"Vulnerability is the glue that bonds individuals together in any sort of relationship. Without this important glue, our relationship risks being superfluous."

Here are some effective ways to encourage emotional sharing:

Communication Style	Purpose	Best Practice
Daily Check-ins	Gauge emotional well-being	Dedicate 15–20 minutes of distraction-free time
Deep Conversations	Navigate complex emotions	Pick calm moments and practice active listening
Physical Cues	Show non-verbal support	Use touch, eye contact, and attentive presence

Kalliopi Cabarcas, LMHC, Therapy Director at Babylon, adds:

"Providing emotional support doesn't mean we take on our partner's problems nor does it mean we fix it for them. It means we sit with our loved ones, empathize with them and help them to feel that their emotions are valid."

By practicing these methods, couples can create an environment of emotional safety that not only supports the relationship now but also strengthens it for the future.

Results of Emotional Openness

Consistent emotional sharing leads to stronger trust, smoother conflict resolution, and a deeper sense of connection. According to beachcitiespsych:

"Emotional Intimacy is at the core of healthy relationships. It brings relationships meaning and depth as it is the window that allows us to feel like our partner fully gets us and that we get them."

The benefits of emotional openness include:

• Stronger Trust and Connection: Partners who regularly share their emotions feel more secure and connected.
• Improved Conflict Resolution: Couples who remain emotionally aware handle disagreements more effectively.

Marriage and Family Therapist Ellen Boeder from The Gottman Institute explains:

"We need to feel safe before we can be vulnerable. When we don't feel safe, our bodies don't want to engage, connect, or provide the emotional warmth our relationships need to thrive."

To keep emotional openness alive, focus on active listening - set aside distractions and give your partner your undivided attention. Emotional sharing doesn’t happen overnight; it’s a gradual process that grows with trust. Start small, and let the connection deepen over time.

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Level 6: Past Struggles

Level 6 intimacy involves opening up about past challenges, which requires a deep level of trust and emotional safety. Licensed Psychotherapist Laura Sgro explains:

"Vulnerability allows for people to understand each other on a deeper level, including their insecurities and their deepest feelings, which can lead to greater empathy in both partners."

Starting Hard Talks

Talking about past struggles can be tough, but timing and approach make all the difference. Creating a supportive environment is key to having these conversations:

Communication Element	Purpose	Best Practice
Timing	Ensure readiness	Pick a calm moment when both partners feel relaxed
Environment	Foster safety	Choose a private, quiet space free from distractions
Approach	Build connection	Use gentle "I" statements and maintain eye contact
Pacing	Respect boundaries	Share gradually, giving time to process emotions

Brett Cushing, LMFT, highlights why being genuine matters:

"When there's no vulnerability, and I don't let you or anybody else see the real me, there's no real know-ability. You don't know me; you just see this exterior of me. In contrast, know-ability leads to intimacy and connectivity with one another."

To get these challenging conversations started, try these steps:

• Write down your thoughts beforehand to gain clarity.
• Use reassuring phrases like, "I'm not against you. We're in this together."
• Take deep breaths to stay calm and centered.
• Listen actively - resist the urge to interrupt.

Once the conversation begins, the focus shifts to supporting each other.

Supporting Each Other

After opening up about past struggles, showing support is essential for building trust. Dr. Jake Porter, Licensed Professional Counselor, emphasizes:

"The key here is to realize that we are each responsible not only for the words we say but also the way we send them."

When your partner shares something deeply personal:

• Give them your full attention with steady eye contact.
• Validate their feelings without judgment.
• Respond with care, saying things like, "I'm here, and I want to understand."
• Acknowledge their courage with gratitude.

If emotions run high during the conversation:

• Take breaks when needed, agreeing on a time to continue later.
• Use pre-agreed "safe words" to pause if anyone feels overwhelmed.
• Resume the talk only when both partners feel calm and composed.
• Focus on understanding each other rather than rushing to fix the issue.

Sharing past struggles isn’t about reliving difficulties - it’s about building trust and fostering deeper understanding. Every honest and vulnerable exchange strengthens your emotional connection, bringing you closer as a couple.

Level 7: Core Needs

Level 7 dives into the deepest form of intimacy, focusing on the essential needs that keep a relationship thriving. It builds on the foundation of shared experiences and mutual understanding, guiding partners to address what truly sustains their connection.

Understanding Core Needs

Core needs are the non-negotiables for a lasting relationship. Eva Rüger, OpenUp Psychologist, explains:

"A need is something that is required to make a relationship work in the long term, while a want is something we'd like to see or get from our partner, and it doesn't necessarily need to be fulfilled to have a successful relationship."

These needs fall into key categories that influence different aspects of a relationship:

Category	Examples	Relationship Impact
Emotional	Affection, appreciation, understanding	Strengthens emotional security
Physical	Touch, intimacy, personal space	Fosters physical connection
Security	Trust, loyalty, commitment	Builds stability
Growth	Support, independence, shared goals	Encourages mutual development

To identify these core needs, consider these questions:

• What do I need to feel loved, happy, fulfilled, and secure?
• What do you need to feel the same?
• Are you willing to meet my needs?
• Am I willing to meet your needs?

Once these needs are identified, the next step is ensuring they are met consistently.

Meeting Each Other's Needs

Recognizing core needs is only the beginning. The real challenge lies in turning that understanding into meaningful actions. Tony Robbins highlights this approach:

"The only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to get."

Here’s how to meet each other’s needs effectively:

• Regular Check-Ins: Use a simple 1-10 scale during regular conversations to assess emotional fulfillment.
• Ask Questions: Directly ask your partner what they need to feel valued and secure:
  • What makes you feel important?
  • When do you feel most connected?
  • What do you need to feel safe?
• Set Boundaries: Clear boundaries help create an environment where needs can be met. Mud Coaching emphasizes:

  "The fulfillment of emotional needs is one of the most important aspects of successful relationships, which requires a felt sense of safety, significance and connection for each partner."

When expressing needs, use "I" statements, be specific about behaviors, and acknowledge your partner's efforts with gratitude. These habits foster a sense of safety and connection, making it easier for both partners to thrive.

Check Your Intimacy Level

As you build on previous steps, it's important to take a moment to assess where your relationship currently stands. Understanding your level of intimacy not only highlights where you are but also reveals areas for growth. Matthew Kelly puts it perfectly:

"Intimacy is the one thing a person cannot live happily without. You can survive without intimacy, but you cannot thrive without it."

Progress Markers

Every stage of intimacy comes with its own signs of progress. Here's a breakdown to help you evaluate:

Level	Key Indicators	Signs of Progress
1-2	Basic communication, fact-sharing	Moving past small talk, showing interest in daily life
3-4	Opinion sharing, future planning	Respectful disagreements, aligning on goals
5-6	Emotional vulnerability, past sharing	Comfort with emotions, supporting through challenges
7	Core needs expression	Regularly meeting needs, deep mutual understanding

To better understand your relationship's stage, focus on three key areas: safety, trust, and communication.

Safety and Trust

• Feeling secure enough to be vulnerable
• Emotional safety during tough conversations
• Reliability in keeping commitments

Communication Depth

• Talking about more than just logistics
• Sharing difficult emotions openly
• Truly listening and responding thoughtfully

Common Roadblocks

"Successful couples are those who are in touch with each other's emotional worlds."

Even with progress, challenges can arise that might slow intimacy development. Some common obstacles include:

1. Emotional Barriers
   • Schedule regular check-ins
   • Consider counseling if needed
   • Create safe spaces for honest sharing
2. Communication Blocks
   • Use "I" statements to express feelings
   • Practice active listening to understand, not just respond
   • Set aside time specifically for meaningful conversations
3. External Pressures
   • Protect couple time by setting boundaries
   • Develop rituals to reconnect regularly
   • Make the relationship a priority

Steps to Build Intimacy

Building intimacy takes effort and intention at every stage of your relationship. Studies have found that couples who actively engage in activities that promote closeness tend to feel more emotionally connected and satisfied in their relationships. The steps below provide practical ways to nurture intimacy across different levels.

Activities for Each Level

Here’s how you can strengthen your bond at each stage of intimacy:

Level	Focus Area	Suggested Activities
1–2	Building Comfort	• Share daily six-second kisses • Have phone-free dinners to focus on each other • Try new experiences together, like a hobby or outing
3–4	Deepening Trust	• Share cherished memories through photos • Schedule regular relationship check-ins • Take part in couples yoga or cooking classes
5–6	Emotional Connection	• Play the "Revealing Game" with emotional prompts • Practice active listening during conversations • Openly share feelings and vulnerabilities
7	Core Needs	• Discuss your emotional, mental, and physical needs regularly

To make these activities count:

• Set aside regular, distraction-free time for connection and stick to it.
• Start with activities that feel comfortable for both of you.
• Allow intimacy to grow naturally without forcing it.

Storytelling can also play a powerful role in creating deeper connections. Dr. Kate Truitt explains:

"At its heart, storytelling is a way for individuals to share their experiences, emotions, and perspectives with others. This act of sharing can be deeply therapeutic, allowing individuals to process and make sense of their experiences, connect with others, and gain new insights into their own lives".

Using Roma Llama Stories

Personalized storytelling offers a creative and meaningful way to explore intimacy as a couple. Roma Llama’s features are designed to help couples:

• Tailor story settings to match their comfort levels.
• Express desires and fantasies in a safe, structured environment.
• Uncover and discuss emotional and physical needs in a nonjudgmental way.
• Build shared narratives that spark conversations about intimacy, boundaries, and preferences.

Keep experimenting with what works best for your relationship, and celebrate the small steps you take toward building a deeper connection.

Conclusion: Growing Together

Building a deep connection takes consistent effort from both partners. Research suggests that couples who actively nurture their intimacy enjoy greater relationship satisfaction and even improved physical health. The path through the seven levels of intimacy isn’t a straight line - it’s an ongoing journey filled with opportunities for growth and discovery.

"Couples who know each other intimately [and] are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams are couples who make it".

These ideas offer practical ways to strengthen your bond. Here are some steps to maintain and deepen intimacy:

Practice Emotional Attunement

• Communicate your feelings by expressing positive needs instead of criticism.
• Show empathy, especially during tough conversations.
• Schedule weekly "CEO meetings" to talk about your relationship’s needs and goals.

Celebrate Growth Together

Acknowledging progress can strengthen your connection. Research shows that couples who feel emotionally close often report higher levels of sexual desire and satisfaction. Focus on:

• Recognizing personal and shared milestones.
• Offering daily words of appreciation.
• Creating new experiences together.

As Hannah Owens highlights, trust forms the bedrock of emotional intimacy.

Set aside dedicated time for meaningful conversations. Exercises like "Five Things... Go!" can help you stay curious about each other. When challenges arise, seeking guidance from couples therapy can provide tools to improve communication and navigate conflict.

FAQs

How can I figure out the current level of intimacy in my relationship?

To gauge the depth of intimacy in your relationship, take a moment to reflect on where most of your conversations and emotional exchanges land within the seven levels of intimacy. These levels include:

• Clichés: Surface-level pleasantries or small talk.
• Facts: Sharing basic information or details.
• Opinions: Discussing personal viewpoints or perspectives.
• Hopes and Dreams: Revealing aspirations for the future.
• Feelings: Opening up about emotions.
• Fears, Faults, and Failures: Sharing vulnerabilities and past struggles.
• Legitimate Needs: Expressing core emotional and relational needs.

If most of your interactions stay within the first few levels, like clichés or facts, it might indicate that there’s potential to deepen your connection. Moving toward the later levels involves opening up about emotions, personal goals, and even fears or insecurities. These deeper conversations often require trust, a sense of safety, and mutual openness, which are essential for fostering a stronger emotional bond with your partner.

How can I deepen my relationship from sharing opinions to sharing hopes and dreams?

To shift from simply sharing opinions to opening up about hopes and dreams, start by fostering emotional closeness through honest and meaningful conversations. Talk about your personal goals, fears, and aspirations. Opening up about these deeper aspects of yourself can help build a stronger emotional bond.

Participate in activities that naturally encourage vulnerability, like reminiscing about past experiences or planning significant milestones together. Exploring new hobbies or adventures as a couple can also create a sense of teamwork and shared direction. Above all, take an active interest in each other’s ambitions and provide encouragement. Supporting one another’s dreams is key to building a loving and uplifting connection.

Why do so few couples reach the deepest level of intimacy, and what challenges stand in their way?

Reaching the deepest level of intimacy in a relationship is something few couples manage to achieve. Why? A lot of it comes down to barriers like emotional disconnection, miscommunication, and the relentless stress of daily life. It’s not uncommon for partners to struggle with sharing their genuine feelings or needs, which often leads to misunderstandings and, eventually, frustration.

Add to that the weight of work stress, parenting duties, and financial worries, and it’s easy to see how these pressures can chip away at a relationship over time. On top of these, unresolved past traumas or mismatched attachment styles can create even more emotional distance, making it harder to forge a truly profound bond. Breaking through these challenges isn’t easy - it takes patience, openness, and a shared commitment to growing and strengthening the relationship.