Roma Llama•
Is It Just a Fantasy? What to Do When You Fantasize About Someone Else
Fantasizing about someone other than your partner is common and doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or your relationship. These thoughts are often harmless and can even reflect normal emotional or mental needs. However, understanding why they happen and how they impact your relationship is key.
Here’s what you need to know:
- Fantasies are normal: Research shows 98% of people experience them, and they often serve as a mental escape or a way to process emotions.
- Why they happen: They can stem from stress, routine, unmet needs, or even curiosity.
- When they’re harmless: If they don’t interfere with your relationship or cause guilt, they’re usually not a problem.
- When to pay attention: If fantasies create emotional distance, guilt, or disrupt daily life, it’s time to reassess.
- What to do: Reflect on your feelings, communicate with your partner if appropriate, and set boundaries for yourself.
Fantasies can be an opportunity for self-awareness and, when handled thoughtfully, may even strengthen your connection with your partner.
Is It Bad To Fantasise About Other People While In A Relationship? | The Hook Up Podcast
Why Do People Fantasy About Someone Else?
Understanding why fantasies occur can help ease the guilt and confusion that often accompany them. At their core, fantasies stem from universal human needs that we all experience.
Mental and Emotional Causes
Research suggests that fantasies often arise from emotional needs like intimacy and connection, admiration and validation, and sexual expression [7]. These aren't flaws or signs of disloyalty - they're simply part of the human experience.
Sometimes, fantasies are sparked by encountering someone with qualities we find appealing but may not encounter in our everyday lives. Certified Sexologist Tyomi Morgan explains:
"They adopt the persona, qualities, and traits of that person, which gives them the feeling of interacting or even having a relationship [2]."
Stress and routine can also play a role. When life feels monotonous or overwhelming, the mind naturally seeks an escape. Fantasies can provide a mental getaway from the grind of daily life [4]. This doesn't necessarily mean you're dissatisfied with your life - it’s your brain’s way of seeking variety and stimulation.
Unmet needs in a relationship can also amplify fantasies. When partners don't align with sexual ideals, it can lead to lower sexual and relationship satisfaction [8]. However, this doesn't mean a relationship is doomed - it may simply highlight areas where communication or understanding could grow.
Certain thought patterns, like obsessive thinking, loneliness, or dissatisfaction, can also intensify fantasies [7]. Past experiences, including unresolved childhood trauma, may influence the way we fantasize, as the mind attempts to process those emotions [10].
These emotional triggers set the stage for how imagination shapes desire.
How Imagination Affects Desire
Imagination plays a powerful role in shaping desire, acting as a creative outlet rather than a reflection of real-life unhappiness. Fantasies are more than random thoughts - they’re a way for the mind to explore possibilities, process emotions, and keep life interesting.
Fantasies encourage curiosity and creativity without necessarily being tied to real-life actions or dissatisfaction. Dr. Christopher Ryan Jones, a Clinical Psychologist and Sex Therapist, explains:
"I don't think they mean anything, except the person perhaps finds the idea and concept pleasurable. And this in itself is a good thing." [4]
The content of fantasies often draws from various influences, including societal norms, personal experiences, and even unmet needs from childhood [9]. The brain blends these elements into scenarios that feel exciting or comforting.
For example, studies reveal that many women fantasize about submission, though few would want those fantasies to materialize in real life [4]. This underscores how fantasies serve as a safe space to explore ideas without the risks or consequences of reality.
Frequent fantasizing isn’t a sign of character flaws [1]. It may simply reflect an active imagination and a healthy relationship with your own sexuality. Fantasies can even bring a sense of excitement to long-term relationships, enriching intimacy without threatening commitment [1].
As Dr. Sherrie Sims Allen, a psychologist, wisely advises:
"A fantasy can be something that floats through your consciousness, but you do not have to attach yourself to that fantasy. Let it float on by." [4]
Ultimately, having fantasies doesn’t define you or dictate your actions. Your imagination is doing exactly what it’s meant to do - exploring, creating, and finding pleasure in a way that’s safe and personal.
How Fantasies Affect You and Your Relationship
Fantasies are a natural part of human sexuality, but their impact on relationships can vary. While they often serve as a harmless and even beneficial aspect of personal and relational well-being, certain fantasies can signal deeper issues. Let’s explore when fantasies enrich your life and when they might indicate potential problems.
When Fantasies Are Harmless
Most fantasies are harmless and can even play a positive role in your relationship. Research suggests that fantasizing about others is common and doesn’t automatically equate to infidelity [3]. Interestingly, couples who share their fantasies with each other report being nearly 10% more likely to feel very satisfied with their sex life [3].
Harmless fantasies can provide comfort, mental stimulation, and a sense of escape [6]. They allow you to explore your sexuality in a safe, private space and can add variety to your thoughts. These types of fantasies tend to be occasional and don’t interfere with your daily life or emotional connection to your partner.
For individuals in less satisfying sexual relationships, fantasies can serve as a temporary outlet while they work on improving intimacy with their partner [5]. The key here is balance - when fantasies don’t create emotional distance or guilt, they can complement rather than replace real-life experiences.
Signs that fantasies are harmless include:
- Maintaining emotional closeness with your partner
- Engaging in real-world intimacy
- Feeling no distress or guilt about your thoughts
When kept in check, fantasies can enrich your relationship by enhancing creativity and keeping your connection strong.
When Fantasies Signal Problems
Fantasies can become problematic when they negatively impact your emotional health or relationship satisfaction. For example, repetitive fantasies about the same person may lead to dissatisfaction with your partner or relationship [3].
Igor Marchetti, a researcher at Ghent University, explains how negative thought patterns can limit emotional well-being:
"In other words, a powerful and negative emotional reactivity to internal cues has the capacity to lock the train of thoughts into a thematically narrow content channel (i.e., funneling effect) and to substantially reduce the breadth of the associative network." [12]
Warning signs include relying on fantasies as your primary way of coping with stress or loneliness, which can disconnect you from reality [6]. If your fantasies start interfering with work, social interactions, or daily responsibilities, it’s time to reassess their role in your life.
Approximately 2.5% of adults experience maladaptive daydreaming, where fantasies become so consuming that they disrupt normal functioning [11]. Additionally, using daydreams as a stress response can contribute to depressive symptoms or mood disorders, particularly when they’re dominated by negative thoughts [12].
Good vs. Bad Effects of Fantasies
The table below highlights the contrasting effects of fantasies:
| Positive Effects | Negative Effects |
|---|---|
| Encourage creativity and imagination | Create emotional distance from your partner |
| Provide a safe space to explore desires | Lead to unrealistic expectations in relationships |
| Increase satisfaction when shared with a partner | Serve as the primary coping mechanism for stress or loneliness |
| Offer a temporary mental escape | Distract from responsibilities and real-world intimacy |
| Help maintain a connection to your sexuality | Cause guilt, shame, or relationship anxiety |
| Occur occasionally without interference | Replace genuine emotional connections |
The difference often lies in how frequently fantasies occur, their intensity, and their impact on your life. Occasional fantasies that don’t disrupt your relationship or daily routine are generally positive. However, fantasies that become compulsive, create emotional distance, or replace real-world connections may need closer attention.
Marchetti’s research highlights another critical point:
"Many findings indeed report that well-known mechanisms leading to depression, such as rumination, hopelessness, low self-esteem, and cognitive reactivity, are consistently associated with daydreaming and are likely to exacerbate negative mood in individuals." [12]
Erotic fantasies, in particular, can interfere with forming healthy intimate relationships if they become a substitute for real-world connections [11]. The key is recognizing when fantasies enhance your life versus when they start to replace meaningful interactions.
If you notice your fantasies shifting from being a positive addition to a source of emotional conflict, it’s worth examining the underlying needs they address. Finding healthier ways to meet those needs within your relationship can help restore balance and connection. Recognizing these dynamics is the first step toward addressing them constructively.
Ways to Think About Your Fantasies
Reflecting on your fantasies can turn them into opportunities for personal growth and deeper connections in your relationships. By examining these thoughts thoughtfully, you can uncover whether they enhance your life or point to unmet needs. The key is to approach this exploration with curiosity rather than judgment. Here are some practical strategies to help you navigate this process.
Writing and Mindfulness Practices
Journaling is a helpful way to track your fantasies. Note when they occur, what triggers them, and how they make you feel. Over time, this can reveal patterns, such as whether certain emotions, situations, or dynamics in your relationships are linked to specific fantasies.
Mindfulness is another effective way to process these thoughts. Guy Claxton describes mindfulness as:
"Mindfulness is simply the knack of noticing without comment whatever is happening in your present experience" [15].
You can practice mindfulness using techniques like the RAIN method (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture), mindful breathing, body scans, or focusing on your surroundings. These tools help ground your thoughts and bring clarity to your inner experiences [13] [14].
Questions to Ask Yourself
Asking yourself the right questions can shed light on the role fantasies play in your life. Sex therapist Vanessa Marin emphasizes the importance of open inquiry in relationships:
"Asking each other questions about sex is crucial because it opens the door to understanding, connection and growth in your relationship. It's easy to make assumptions about what your partner wants or enjoys, but those assumptions are often wrong - or at least incomplete." [16]
You can apply this same principle to your own self-reflection. Here are some areas to explore:
- Awareness: What emotions arise before, during, and after your fantasies? Do they occur more often during stressful times? Are they consistent in theme or do they vary?
- Values: Do your fantasies align with your personal values or relationship goals? Are they helping you explore yourself in a meaningful way, or do they conflict with what you truly value?
- Impact: Are these thoughts enhancing your connection with your partner, or are they creating unrealistic expectations? Do they lead you to compare your partner to the figures in your fantasies? Are they interfering with your ability to be present during intimate moments?
- Needs: What underlying emotional or physical needs might these fantasies address? Are you seeking excitement, validation, or perhaps an escape? Could these needs be met in healthier ways within your current relationship?
Nicholas Velotta, head of relationship research at Arya, highlights the importance of balance in self-inquiry:
"At its core, a good question balances curiosity with care, expressing personal desire while making space for your partner's feelings, boundaries and agency" [16].
Adopting this balanced approach can provide insights into your fantasies while fostering better self-understanding and relational harmony.
When to Get Professional Help
Sometimes, self-reflection isn’t enough, especially if fantasies cause distress or interfere with daily life. Research shows that about 8% of American adults struggle with distress from uncontrollable sexual urges, and 1% to 6% are affected by hypersexuality [18].
You might consider therapy if your fantasies:
- Cause significant distress or guilt
- Disrupt your work, relationships, or social life
- Seem tied to mental health concerns like anxiety or depression [18]
Different therapeutic approaches can help address these challenges:
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): This method can help identify and change false beliefs or thought patterns that contribute to guilt, shame, or anxiety around fantasies [18].
- Psychodynamic Psychotherapy: This approach delves into deeper emotional issues, such as self-esteem struggles or fears of intimacy, that might manifest through fantasies [17].
- Couples Therapy: If fantasies are creating tension in your relationship, therapy can help rebuild trust, reduce shame, and improve communication about sexuality [17].
As Psychology Today staff explains:
"Whether the condition exists or not, psychotherapy may be useful for individuals seeking to regulate their emotions and gain insight into their sexuality" [18].
Therapists provide a safe, non-judgmental space to explore your thoughts and experiences. They can help you uncover patterns that might be hard to recognize on your own, offering guidance toward healthier perspectives and behaviors [19].
sbb-itb-069f7a3
Talking About Fantasies with Your Partner
After taking the time to explore your fantasies on your own, the next step might be sharing them with your partner. These conversations, when approached thoughtfully, can strengthen intimacy and build trust. On the flip side, poorly timed or mishandled discussions could lead to misunderstandings or hurt feelings.
Deciding Whether to Share
Deciding whether to share your fantasies is deeply personal and depends on your relationship dynamic. Research suggests that about 69% of people have opened up about their fantasies to a partner, with over 80% describing the experience as positive [26]. However, just because it worked for others doesn’t mean it’s the right move for every couple - or every fantasy.
Before sharing, consider the current level of trust and communication in your relationship. If even basic preferences are hard to discuss, diving into fantasies might feel overwhelming. Fantasies involving your partner in new scenarios are often a safer starting point than those involving others, non-monogamous situations, or anything that might conflict with their values [21]. As sex therapist Kassandra Mourikis explains:
"A good reminder is that when you judge or shame a partner for sharing their fantasies, you enter into a cycle where they are more likely to withdraw from intimacy, internalise shame and begin to experience distress" [22].
Take a moment to reflect on your motivation. Are you sharing to deepen intimacy and explore together? Or could there be underlying pressure to change the dynamic? The goal should always be to connect, not to coerce.
When you’re ready, approach the conversation in a way that fosters trust and mutual understanding.
How to Start the Conversation
Timing is everything. Avoid bringing up fantasies during or right after sex, when emotions might cloud judgment, or during stressful times. Instead, choose a calm, private moment where you can both focus on the conversation without distractions [23].
Be upfront about your intentions. Let your partner know that this is about strengthening your connection and exploring together. Framing it as a shared journey can make the conversation feel less intimidating [23].
Start small and use "I" statements to keep the tone open and non-judgmental. Relationship expert Madison Grace Whitmore suggests:
"I would begin by establishing a secure, accepting environment for candid dialogue, using 'I' expressions to express my emotions without feeling compelled to do so" [24].
For instance, instead of saying, "You never want to try anything new", try, "I’ve been curious about exploring some new things together, and I’d love to hear your thoughts." This approach invites discussion without sounding accusatory or critical.
Ease into the topic with less intense ideas or hypothetical scenarios. You might reference a scene from a movie or book, or casually ask, "What would you think about trying something adventurous together?" [24].
As the conversation unfolds, practice active listening. Pay attention to your partner’s tone, body language, and expressions. If they seem uncomfortable, slow down and respect their boundaries.
Pros and Cons of Sharing
Weighing the benefits and risks of sharing fantasies can help you decide if it’s the right move for your relationship. Here are some aspects to consider:
| Benefits | Risks |
|---|---|
| Deepens emotional connection and intimacy [27] | Fantasy might lose its appeal once shared [25] |
| Builds trust and transparency [25] | Could push your partner’s boundaries [25] |
| Helps you learn more about each other [26] | Risk of judgment or feeling shamed [25] |
| Adds excitement to long-term relationships [28] | May strain the relationship if it involves others [25] |
Sharing fantasies can open the door to vulnerability and trust, creating opportunities for new experiences and a stronger bond [20]. However, it’s equally important to acknowledge the risks. Poor timing, lack of preparation, or introducing ideas that clash with your partner’s values can lead to discomfort. And sometimes, keeping certain fantasies private is perfectly okay.
If your partner doesn’t react as you hoped, stay calm. Ask open-ended questions to understand their perspective, and approach the situation with empathy and respect. Building trust takes time, and every conversation is a step toward deeper understanding.
Using Fantasies to Build Closeness
Once you've had open, honest conversations about fantasies, you can use that energy to strengthen your bond. Sharing fantasies with your partner isn’t just about revealing hidden thoughts - it’s an opportunity to deepen your connection and build intimacy. Instead of keeping these ideas at arm’s length, they can become a way to explore new dimensions of your relationship.
Trying New Things Together
Fantasies often spark curiosity, which can lead to exciting, shared experiences. The key is to take things slow and focus on making both partners feel comfortable as you explore.
Social psychologist Dr. Justin Lehmiller highlights the benefits of sharing fantasies:
"Sharing fantasies can enhance long-term relationships by promoting both sexual and emotional satisfaction" [29].
When discussing fantasies, focus on the feelings they inspire - whether they make you feel excited, intrigued, or closer to your partner. Avoid framing these conversations as pressure to act on specific scenarios. Instead, keep things light and exploratory.
Sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman suggests starting with low-pressure, hypothetical discussions:
"Begin by discussing hypotheticals in a neutral setting, gradually building comfort and trust" [29].
For example, you could reference a scene from a movie or book that caught your attention. Another fun approach is creating a "fantasy jar" together - write down ideas on slips of paper, then take turns drawing one for discussion. This playful method ensures both partners contribute and keeps the conversation engaging.
Using Tools Like Roma Llama for Shared Discovery
Technology can also help couples explore fantasies in a safe, structured way. A platform like Roma Llama allows you to co-create personalized romance stories, blending imagination with reality while respecting personal boundaries.
Roma Llama lets you customize details like spice levels, settings, and characters to suit both partners’ comfort zones. At $4.99 per story, it’s an affordable way to craft narratives that reflect your shared interests while maintaining control over the content and intensity.
Couples have found success with this tool. Olivia A., a wife from New York, shared:
"Wanted a unique gift for my husband, so I tried Roma Llama. It did not disappoint! Both intimate and erotic. Let's just say, I'm happy, he's happy, life is good :) Highly recommend!" [30]
David B., a busy father and business owner, also shared his experience:
"With work and kids, finding time and unique gift ideas is tough. Roma Llama was the perfect answer, an escape from day-to-day. Easily wrote our story, including our lesser-known fantasies. Sending the e-card completely surprised her! As they say, the rest is history." [30]
Roma Llama’s no-login, no-subscription model makes it easy to explore without added hassle. These stories can serve as conversation starters, helping you discover shared interests and boundaries. The Roma Llama blog also provides additional resources for communicating about fantasies and understanding common desires. While these explorations can reignite intimacy, it’s essential to set boundaries to ensure both partners feel at ease.
Setting Limits While Trying New Things
As you explore new ideas, setting clear boundaries is essential to maintaining trust and connection. Both partners should feel empowered to say "no" to anything that feels uncomfortable, with no judgment attached.
Have an open conversation about what you’re curious about, what feels safe, and where your hard limits lie. While boundaries may shift over time, they should always be respected in the moment.
After trying something new, schedule a follow-up conversation to reflect on the experience. This check-in allows you to celebrate what worked, address what didn’t, and adapt future explorations. It’s also a great opportunity to express appreciation for your partner’s honesty and effort.
Not every fantasy needs to be shared or acted upon. The purpose is to use the curiosity and energy of these ideas to deepen your connection, not to push past personal limits. Approach new possibilities with curiosity rather than expectation. For example, saying, "I’ve been wondering what it would be like if we tried..." keeps the conversation open and pressure-free.
Conclusion: Using Fantasies for Personal Growth
Fantasies don’t have to bring guilt or tension into your life. When approached thoughtfully, they can serve as powerful tools for personal growth and for strengthening the bond with your partner.
At their core, fantasies often reflect your emotional needs. Research suggests they can act as a form of self-therapy, providing a safe space to explore desires, boost confidence, and deepen self-awareness. They also help clarify what you truly value in your relationships and life, offering valuable insights into your goals and priorities [31][32].
"Relationship fantasies are not only about the relationship itself but also about personal development. They offer a unique opportunity for introspection, emotional management, and self-discovery, contributing significantly to one's personal growth journey." - eNotAlone.com
This perspective can lead to meaningful breakthroughs, both personally and within your relationship. Taking time to reflect on your fantasies helps you distinguish between harmless mental exploration and signals that something may need attention. This growing awareness can open the door to more meaningful conversations with your partner, creating opportunities for positive change.
Sharing fantasies with your partner can also foster vulnerability and intimacy. Open discussions about desires create a safe, trusting environment where honest communication can thrive. These conversations can lead to deeper understanding and strengthen your emotional connection. Whether it’s trying new experiences together, using tools like Roma Llama, or simply expanding your dialogue, exploring fantasies as a team can transform curiosity into growth. By imagining different scenarios together, you and your partner can build empathy and gain a richer understanding of each other’s emotional worlds.
Throughout this process, boundaries and respect are crucial. The goal isn’t to suppress or feel ashamed of your fantasies but to channel their energy in a way that uplifts and supports your emotional well-being. Respecting each other’s boundaries lays the foundation for continued growth and mutual trust.
As we’ve seen, fantasies - when balanced - can spark creativity and offer fresh solutions to challenges in personal development and relationships. They encourage you to explore different aspects of your identity, fostering greater self-awareness that benefits both your romantic connection and your overall emotional health.
Turning fantasies into tools for self-awareness and deeper connection takes courage, honest communication, and mutual compassion. When handled with care, even the most unsettling thoughts can become opportunities for profound growth and connection.
FAQs
How can I tell if a fantasy about someone else is harmless or a sign of trouble in my relationship?
It’s perfectly normal to have a harmless fantasy now and then. These are usually short-lived, don’t create emotional distance from your partner, and don’t come with feelings of guilt or the need for secrecy. They’re just fleeting thoughts that typically don’t affect the health of your relationship.
But when fantasies start causing problems - like creating emotional distance, leading to secrecy, or interfering with intimacy - they might signal deeper relationship challenges. These could stem from unmet needs, dissatisfaction, or a breakdown in communication. Taking time to reflect on these feelings and having an open, honest conversation with your partner can help uncover and address any underlying issues, ultimately bringing you closer together.
How can I deal with guilt or anxiety about fantasizing about someone else?
Fantasies are a natural part of human thought, yet they can sometimes bring feelings of guilt or anxiety. The first step in navigating these emotions is to practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that having fantasies doesn’t define who you are or your level of commitment. These thoughts are common and don’t necessarily align with your actual desires or intentions.
If these feelings are causing distress, consider trying mindfulness techniques. For example, observe your thoughts without judgment and focus on staying present in the moment. Should the guilt or anxiety become overwhelming, reaching out to a therapist - especially one experienced in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) - can be incredibly helpful. They can guide you in reframing negative thought patterns and managing your emotions more effectively. Approaching these feelings with curiosity instead of shame can lead to deeper self-awareness and healthier relationships.
How can I talk to my partner about fantasies in a healthy and comfortable way?
The ideal moment to talk about fantasies with your partner is when you're both calm, in a private space, and free from distractions. Creating an environment that feels safe and free of judgment is key, so approach the topic with sensitivity and respect.
Begin by using "I" statements to share your thoughts, like, "I've been thinking about..." This approach keeps the focus on your feelings and avoids sounding like criticism. Highlight the trust and bond you share, and encourage your partner to open up about their thoughts too. Honest, open communication can deepen your intimacy and bring you closer together.
