"My Partner Isn't Romantic": What To Do When Expectations Don't Match Reality

Feel like your partner isn’t romantic anymore? You’re not alone. Many couples struggle when romantic expectations don’t align. But here’s the good news: it’s not about changing who your partner is - it’s about better communication, understanding love languages, and creating meaningful connections.

Key Takeaways:

Why It Happens: Differences in upbringing, love languages, and unspoken expectations often lead to mismatched romantic gestures.
What to Do:
- Reflect on what you truly need from your partner.
- Communicate openly using “I” statements to express your feelings.
- Learn each other’s love languages and adapt your efforts.
How to Reignite Romance: Small, consistent gestures like appreciation, meaningful surprises, and shared activities can keep the spark alive.

Quick Tip:

Start by having a calm, honest conversation about what romance means to both of you. Then, work together to find actions that feel natural and meaningful for your relationship.

Remember: Romance isn’t one-size-fits-all - it’s about finding what works for you and your partner.

5 Keys to Fall Back In Love With Your Partner In 2025

Why Your Partner May Not Seem Romantic

Before deciding that your partner lacks romantic gestures, it’s worth pausing to consider why they might not be meeting your expectations. What feels romantic to you might not even register for them, and vice versa. This difference often stems less from how much they care and more from deeper factors that shape how people express and understand love.

How Background and Personal Experiences Shape Romance

Your partner’s upbringing plays a big role in shaping their approach to romance. The family dynamics they grew up with essentially serve as their first lesson in love, leaving a lasting imprint on how they navigate relationships.

Family relationships lay the groundwork. Relationship expert Mengya Xia puts it this way:
"The family relationship is the first intimate relationship of your life, and you apply what you learn to later relationships. It's also where you may learn how to constructively communicate - or perhaps the inverse, to yell and scream - when you have a disagreement".

For example, if your partner grew up in a household where love was shown through practical acts - like making sure everyone had dinner on the table or clean laundry - they might naturally express care in similar ways. On the other hand, if you grew up with gestures like handwritten notes or anniversary surprises, you might expect those in your relationship.

Attachment styles formed in childhood also play a huge role. Those with warm and nurturing parents often develop healthier romantic relationships and better self-esteem. Meanwhile, individuals who experienced avoidant, anxious, or unaffectionate parenting may carry those patterns into adulthood.

Cultural influences add another layer. For instance, in India, where about 90% of marriages are arranged, the divorce rate is just 1%. Compare that to England and Wales, where the average divorce rate between 1964 and 2019 was 31.8%. These numbers highlight how societal norms and values deeply shape perceptions of love and romance.

Even financial attitudes come into play. Whether your partner’s family was generous, frugal, or stressed about money can influence how they view romantic gestures that involve spending.

Different Love Languages and Communication Styles

Another common reason partners feel disconnected is differing love languages. Gary Chapman’s framework identifies five ways people express and receive love: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.

People often express love differently than they prefer to receive it. For instance, your partner might show love by tackling household chores or running errands (Acts of Service), while you’re craving heartfelt compliments (Words of Affirmation) or uninterrupted time together (Quality Time).

Studies reveal that Quality Time (40.8%) and Physical Touch (40.0%) are the most popular love language preferences. Over time, many couples learn to recognize and respond to each other’s primary language.

When love languages don’t align, conflicts arise. For example, someone who values Quality Time may feel neglected if their partner focuses on Acts of Service - even if those acts are meant to show care. Similarly, a partner who needs Words of Affirmation might feel unappreciated if their partner mainly expresses love through Physical Touch.

As Gary Chapman explains:
"We must be willing to learn our partner's primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love".

He also emphasizes:
"Once you identify and learn to speak your partner's primary love language, I believe that you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving relationship. Love need not evaporate after a few years, but to keep it alive, most of us will have to put forth the effort to learn a secondary love language."

These differences in communication can set the stage for unmet expectations, which brings us to the next point.

Hidden Expectations and Poor Communication

Sometimes, the issue isn’t a lack of romance - it’s unspoken expectations about what romance should look like. These hidden assumptions can quietly create tension if they’re never addressed.

Unspoken expectations often lead to misunderstandings. For example, you might be longing for surprise date nights, while your partner sees cooking dinner together as a romantic gesture. Without clear communication, both of you can end up feeling disappointed.

Poor communication is one of the biggest threats to relationships. Couples who struggle to communicate effectively have the highest divorce rates, while those who communicate openly are far more likely to stay together.

Unrealistic expectations can also strain even healthy relationships. Assuming your partner should instinctively know what makes you feel loved sets both of you up for frustration. Research shows that couples who have overly optimistic expectations about their relationship often experience a decline in satisfaction over time.

The key isn’t to lower your standards or give up on romance - it’s about bringing those hidden expectations to light. As Dr. Needle explains:
"Managing relationship expectations is an ongoing process that requires effort, understanding, and flexibility. By engaging in open communication, cultivating realistic views, practicing empathy, and being adaptable, couples can foster healthier and more satisfying relationships. Remember, it's not about having no expectations - but about managing them in a way that supports mutual growth and happiness."

How to Communicate Your Romantic Needs

Understanding your partner’s background and love language lays the groundwork for open and honest communication. Once you’ve figured out why your partner might not seem romantic, the next step is learning how to express your needs in a way that fosters connection. This isn’t about blaming or demanding - they’re already doing some things right. Instead, it’s about creating a space where you can share openly and grow closer.

Figure Out What You Want First

Before having any conversation, take some time to reflect on what you truly need. Is it more physical affection? Spontaneous gestures? Or maybe uninterrupted quality time? Pinpointing your needs is key, and it’s important to keep self-doubt or negative assumptions - like “they don’t care” - from clouding your judgment.

Relationship expert Kendra Cunov offers a helpful perspective on this:

"To move from self-centeredness to self-awareness, we need to know what we want and need. When we are unaware of what we need, we still try to get those wants and needs met – we just do it in more hurtful ways: complaint, criticism, manipulation, etc."

Also, take a moment to explore your emotions. Are you feeling hurt, frustrated, or confused about the lack of romance? And is this tied to something recent or an ongoing pattern? Clarifying these details can help you express yourself more effectively. Remember, romance looks different for everyone - whether it’s surprise date nights, thoughtful messages, or small acts of kindness.

Talk Openly and Honestly

When you’re ready to talk, focus on using “I” statements to express your feelings. For example, instead of saying, “You never plan romantic dates,” try something like, “I feel really connected to you when we spend special time together.” This shifts the focus to your emotions rather than sounding accusatory.

Pick a calm, private moment when both of you can talk without interruptions. A simple framework to guide your conversation might look like this:

Start with appreciation by acknowledging something thoughtful your partner has done recently.
Use “I” statements to share your feelings and needs.
Invite your partner to work together on finding solutions.

Being vulnerable is part of effective communication. As David Deida puts it:

"The indestructible love is the same love, or openness, that yearns at the heart of all beings. Even when you are upset, you can practice surrendering your body and heart to be breathed open by this love that yearns in everybody's heart."

Make your needs clear, but also give your partner room to respond. These conversations can help both of you find ways to bring more romance into your relationship in a way that feels natural and meaningful.

Avoid Common Communication Mistakes

Even with good intentions, certain habits can derail your conversation. Here are a few things to watch out for:

Avoid asking “why” questions, as they can make your partner feel defensive.
Don’t blame or criticize - focus on your feelings rather than pointing fingers.
Don’t keep your needs bottled up. Suppressing them can lead to frustration and resentment over time.
Practice active listening. Give your partner space to share their perspective, show empathy, and try to understand where they’re coming from.
Use “we” language to frame the discussion as a team effort, rather than a problem caused by one person.

If your partner becomes defensive, it’s okay to suggest revisiting the conversation later. They might react with surprise, relief, or even hurt, and that’s normal. The goal isn’t to force immediate agreement - it’s about building mutual understanding and finding common ground.

Adding Romance in Ways That Work for Both of You

Once you've opened up honest communication, the next step is putting those insights into action. The goal? Finding ways to add romance that genuinely resonate with both of you. It’s not just about what makes your relationship unique - it’s about turning your partner’s needs and preferences into meaningful gestures.

As clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly puts it, "Given that we all have different preferences and needs, what is romantic to one person may not be at all romantic to another... As such, the true romantic takes the time and energy to study the desires of another in order to create or heighten a loving, passionate mood." This thoughtful approach sets the foundation for romance that truly connects.

Try Different Love Languages

A great way to express affection is by tailoring your gestures to your partner’s love language. Here’s how you can do that:

For words of affirmation, write heartfelt letters or leave little notes highlighting what you love about them. A "Reasons I Love You" jar filled with encouraging messages is another sweet idea.
If they appreciate acts of service, show your care through thoughtful actions like cooking their favorite meal, helping with a tough task, or surprising them with a clean, organized space.
For those who value receiving gifts, focus on meaningful gestures rather than price. A scrapbook of shared memories or a gift box filled with items tied to their hobbies can be deeply touching.
Couples who cherish quality time feel most connected through shared experiences. Plan a backyard picnic, enjoy a nature walk, or set up a cozy movie night with their favorite snacks.
If physical touch is their love language, simple acts like holding hands while stargazing or planning a relaxing spa night at home can go a long way.

Plan Personal and Meaningful Experiences

Go beyond generic date ideas by creating experiences that reflect your shared history and your partner’s unique interests. Romance often lies in the small details that show how well you know and appreciate them.

For example, revisit a special moment from your past with a creative twist. If your first date was at a coffee shop, recreate it at home with a coffee tasting session. Or, if they’re a book lover, spend an evening reading passages from a favorite novel together. Fitness enthusiasts might enjoy a hike followed by a picnic, combining activity with relaxation.

Dr. Manly notes that "Being romantic involves creating a sense of passion, anticipation, and excitement within a relationship." The surprise of feeling truly seen and understood is often what makes a gesture unforgettable.

Use Tools to Build Connection

To deepen your bond, consider incorporating tools or activities that complement your romantic efforts. These can add an extra layer of connection to your relationship.

Share humor with memes, inside jokes, or funny videos that remind you of each other.
Create a playlist of songs that hold special meaning, from your first dance to tunes that capture your feelings now.
Try Roma Llama, which lets you craft a personalized romance story for $4.99, complete with custom characters and settings. It’s a fun and creative way to share something unique with your partner.

Journaling together can also bring you closer. Start a shared date journal where you both reflect on your outings, jot down what they meant to you, and express gratitude. This not only creates a keepsake of your relationship but also encourages regular appreciation of the good moments.

Couples’ apps are another great resource. They can spark deeper conversations, guide intimacy discussions, or offer fun activities to do together. For example, BetterHelp reported in January 2025 that 71% of people who tried online counseling found it more effective than in-person sessions, showing how digital tools can support relationships when used thoughtfully.

The key is to choose tools and activities that feel right for your relationship - something that enhances your connection and brings joy to both of you.

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Keep Romance Alive with Small Daily Actions

Romance thrives on small, consistent gestures that remind your partner how much they mean to you. Clinical psychologist Dr. Carla Marie Manly puts it perfectly:

"Consistent displays of meaningful attention (whether it's kissing, small token gifts, touch, or whispering 'sweet nothings') can keep a romantic mood alive every day."

These simple, everyday efforts create a strong foundation for deeper intimacy and connection.

Build Daily Habits of Appreciation

Expressing appreciation daily can significantly enhance relationship satisfaction. Studies show that couples who regularly show gratitude spend an average of 68 extra minutes together each day. Simple acts like making their favorite coffee, offering thoughtful compliments, or even a gentle touch can set a loving tone that lasts all day.

You can also try ending your day with a quick ritual - take five minutes to share one specific thing you love or appreciate about each other. While these small gestures build appreciation, they also open the door for better communication.

Schedule Regular Relationship Check-Ins

Setting aside time for regular check-ins can help you address concerns before they grow into bigger issues. The Couple Summit Team highlights this idea:

"The key is consistency: when you know that there's a check-in coming up, you're better prepared to discuss those key concerns with your partner."

A weekly, distraction-free check-in - just 10 minutes long - can make a big difference. Use this time for open, solution-focused conversations. You can even make reunions after time apart more meaningful with a six-second kiss, a small but powerful way to reconnect. Together, these daily actions and regular check-ins create a continuous cycle of care and understanding.

Celebrate Milestones and Small Wins

Celebrating doesn't have to wait for big anniversaries or major achievements. Acknowledging everyday victories - like a work success, trying something new, or simply having a great day - can strengthen your bond. Dr. Manly advises:

"The most important habit shift to make if trying to become more romantic is attentiveness. If you become tuned in to what your partner wants and needs, you can craft spontaneous surprises and long-term romantic patterns that will eternally thrill your partner."

Even small actions, like pitching in with household chores or sharing a quiet moment together, can create a nurturing environment. Over time, consistent gratitude fosters spontaneous affection, keeping your relationship vibrant and full of love.

Building a Romantic Partnership Together

Creating a strong romantic partnership is about more than just love - it's about working together as a team. When both partners focus on understanding, clear communication, and shared growth, the relationship becomes a space where both individuals can truly thrive.

Mutual respect and open communication remain at the heart of any successful partnership. These principles serve as the foundation for building a relationship where both people feel valued and heard. Approaching your relationship with a collaborative mindset strengthens the bond and encourages personal growth for both partners.

Differences in romantic styles can be tricky to navigate, but flexibility can make all the difference. As Tony Robbins wisely puts it:

"Trade your expectations for appreciation and your whole world changes."

This doesn’t mean lowering your standards - it’s about valuing what your partner brings to the table and recognizing the unique ways they express love.

Emotional intimacy is built on key elements like playfulness, trust, acceptance, and honest communication. When expectations don’t align, view these moments as opportunities to grow together rather than as roadblocks. Interestingly, research shows that the average couple waits six years before seeking help for relationship challenges. However, about 70% of couples who attend counseling report significant improvements in their relationships. This highlights the importance of addressing issues sooner rather than later.

Healthy relationships do more than just make life sweeter - they boost happiness, improve overall health, and even help reduce stress. As Tony Robbins reminds us:

"The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships."

FAQs

How can I figure out my partner’s love language if they’re not very expressive?

Understanding your partner’s love language, even if they’re not naturally expressive, begins with paying close attention. Watch how they tend to show affection. Do they surprise you with thoughtful gifts? Offer to help when you need it most? Or perhaps they cherish uninterrupted time spent together? People often demonstrate love in the same way they hope to receive it.

Another approach is to have an open, honest conversation. Ask them what makes them feel valued and loved. You can also share your own preferences to encourage a meaningful, two-way dialogue. If they’re unsure, consider taking a love language quiz together - it’s a fun way to explore what resonates with each of you. These small but intentional efforts can deepen your connection and help you better align how you give and receive love.

How can I address differences in romantic expectations with my partner?

To bridge the gap in romantic expectations, it’s essential to start with an open and honest conversation. Find a comfortable, judgment-free space where you and your partner can share your thoughts and feelings. Take the time to ask what romance means to them and explain what it looks like from your perspective. This kind of dialogue can help clear up misunderstandings and bring your expectations into alignment.

Another way to nurture romance in your relationship is by introducing thoughtful, personalized gestures. Focus on what resonates with your partner - whether it’s their love language, favorite activities, or small surprises that show you’ve been paying attention. Planning meaningful experiences together can also strengthen your bond. If you’re unsure where to start, try journaling or using relationship-focused apps to reflect on your needs and how best to communicate them. The most important part? Approach these efforts with patience, kindness, and a genuine desire to understand each other’s point of view.

How do cultural and family backgrounds shape romantic expectations in a relationship?

The Role of Cultural and Family Backgrounds in Romance

Cultural and family influences shape how people perceive and express love, impacting everything from affection and communication to the ways love is shown - whether through thoughtful gifts or physical touch. For example, some cultures celebrate romance with grand, sweeping gestures, while others find meaning in the quiet, consistent acts of care that happen every day.

When partners come from different cultural or family backgrounds, these differences can sometimes create confusion or misunderstandings. However, by maintaining open communication and showing a genuine interest in each other's perspectives, couples can navigate these differences and build a stronger, more meaningful connection.